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chapter 209 : absolutely nothing to you
Im trying to sleep but the voices in my head are too loud and im remembering all these things that I've done. So I turn to my side and face the wall and breathe slowly. Close my eyes, open them, close them once more.

I see his face now. You know the boy I told you about. Now I know I wont be able to sleep. I suppose this is why most people are insomniacs, the voices wont go away, the memories keep coming back, and people haunt them in the darkness of the night.

I turn the lights on, sit on the edge of my bed and cry. Just a little bit, just to make it easier to breathe. I turn the lights off and try to sleep again. Its going to be a long night.

I think the problem is that I’m stuck waiting for him to do something, to make a move, to say the perfect thing. And the problem is that I shouldn’t be that girl, the one who sits and waits for him. I should be independent.

I should think clearly and consistently without having my mind jump straight back to him. Yeah, falling for someone like that is the hardest thing to do. And the stupidest thing is that the thing standing in my way is fear of losing him, the fear of rejection, the fear that I might lose a friend that means everything to me.

I want to be everything to him, but I’m not. I’m not the kind of girl he needs, and I’ll never be that girl cause you know the answer :)