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chapter 228 : I'm so tired of it.
Sometimes I really wonder how stupid it would seem to him. How I sit here with my eyes never leaving the screen of my phone waiting for his new text. Or refreshing the screen until it says he’s online.

Or how when I miss him I read the things he told me months and months ago. I really wonder what he would say if he knew he meant that much to me.

Why I'm acting stupid?

Some people, they can just move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it. Or at least seem to be. But for me, I don’t know. I didn’t want to fix it, to forget. It wasn’t something that was broken.

It’s just something that happened. And I’m just finding ways, every day, of working around it. Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time.

Okay. Let’s just be honest. I’m not leaving for some new perspective or to get a new start. I’m leaving because I can’t look at you anymore without my heart breaking.
chapter 227 : Full of shiit
Let me repeat again.

You are so full of SHIT and im tired of it (:

Got it?
No? Let me punch your face then I'll think you will get it. Hee xD

I hate you :(
chapter 226 : Oh my. Today, I laughed
Hello, people (:

This evening, I went to Manjalara with sister, Danish and Mika. We reach there about 5.30pm I guess? And its kinda hard to get a parking cause alot of people. Plus, its windy. Yay. Sure my kite naik terbang tinggi an? Haha.

Previously, I went there with my sister. Seriously, I never play layang-layang before. And that was my first time kot? LOL. My sister always play layang-layang with her boyfie. Sometimes they went to picnic la. Gahh. Gedik okay? I x penah camtu. How sad is that? Sigh.

I try to get the layang-layang naik tinggi but I cant. I dont know what happen to my kite. Its like something is going wrong. The kite keep fall down. Sigh. Okay, I admit it im not pro in this activity but hey, Im still learning how to balance it.
Since I got 4 kites, I try all the 4 kite but still same. Dia tanak naik jugak. LOL. Last week okay je? Okay fine. I think I have to get a new one? Diao. Its okay. Im planning to get a new one. Pink color of course. I aim the zebra design with pink color on it. Yay! its oni 15bucks! Cheap cheap. The weather so fcukin hot wey. My face turn to red color and yeah I start to sweating. Adeh. Danish and Mika pulak x boleh nak duk diam. Poke kang. LOL.
Since out kite cannot get up, we end up bring the kids to the playground. Hah, main la kau kat situ. So, the auntie oni stare at them playing. And yes, the maksu berebut with this one kid. Berebut nak main buai. WTF? Gay! Haha. Kurang ajar budak tu. Humph! Benci kau! I saw the swing kosong so I quick grab la kan. Then this one boy tarik the swing and said "Ni untuk Marsha". I go, "Huh? Who the heck is Marsha?". Gahh. Whatever. The Marsha is not around, so GIVE ME! RAWRRR!

boy : Ni untuk Marsha. X boleh amek.
me : Huh?
boy : (sambil tarik tali buai)
me : Who cares? Now, its mine! (give the garang face)

LOLOLOL!!

Dahla x dapat main kite. Perut pulak meragam. Went to toilet like 2x kot? Sigh. Around 6.40pm, it started to rain. Aww. We stop aside cause hujan lebat gila till one of the canopy roboh. Rofl. What the heck? Waiting for the rain to stop berzaman la kan? I reached home around 8.15pm and lucky, I still got time to join Arena event. Hee xD

chapter 225 : The Princess F. LOL!
Hello, people (:

Last night had audi sambil gelap. Earth hour kan? LOL. Me and sis so excited nak turn off the light. LOL. I oni turn off the light but I didnt turn off my desktop and aircond. Haha. Panas kot? LOL. How bout you? Did you turn off the light? (:

Oh oh. This morning I had a dream. A nice dream. Really. I dreamed about im married to my prince charming and woahh. I had my weddin in the castle kot? Haha. What a perfect wedding but its oni a dream. I wish it happen in reality. Aww. Sigh. That moment, I was wearing a white gown just like a princess. Haha. And wearing a crown. Of course la kan? LOL. I will remember it (Y).
chapter 224 : Everything is going wrong.

Im sorry I cant be beautiful or skinny or pretty. Trust me. I would if I could. Sigh. I just dont know what to do with my life. Im so lifeless right now. When I go to work, seriously I put you aside. Why? Cause I really dont wanna think about you. I dont wanna feel stress. The stupid faxes and the machine already enough to make me stress. And that is one of the reason I put you aside.

Just want to let you know, im not okay. Im not okay with my condition right now. I lost my appetite these few days and you never know and never ask. But I think its a good way to lose some weight tho -___- One more thing, I started to eat maggie non stop. I know its unhealthy but still. I feel so malas to cook and I think maggie is the easiest and the fastest way kot? I still remembered what she said to me.

Auntie : Balik nanti masak ke?
Me : Errr. x kot? Penat la :(
Auntie : Kalau masak, masak apa? Maggie? Haha.
Me : LOL! Xdala. malas la nak masak nowadays.
Auntie : X elok tau makan maggie. Nanti terus "goal" baru tahu.

I flashback. When is the last day I ate maggie? Semalam kot? This week, I ate maggie kinda alot? Sigh. Goal pun goal la auntie. Sigh. A friend of mine, "Maggie lagi ke?". Lol. Yeah. Malas nak masak. Hais.

I wish I can burn my desktop. I wish I can break the wall. I wish I can break anything in front of me. And I wish I can break your heart into a million pieces! You never know how I feel. You blame me for everything. Am I so hina to you? Am I? Tell me. Am I?

Every night, I cried myself to sleep. Its either because im too strong to let something like this make me cry, or its because im too weak to admit to myself that I am in deep pain.
chapter 223 : I'm that girl.
I’m the girl who prefers one rose instead of a dozen. I’m the girl who would rather stay in on a friday night than go to a wild party with random strangers. I’m the girl who wouldn’t make you wait on her hand and foot, but would do anything to make you happy. I’m the girl who would enjoy having a movie night rather than going to some fancy restaurant.

I’m the girl who would rather stay up all night sharing secrets than going out and getting drunk. I’m the girl who won’t make you hold her bags, but would rather hold your hand instead. I’m the girl who will love you more than anyone can possibly dream of. I’m the girl who would give the world to see you smile.

Im trying to be happy but I think its pretty obvious by now that it isnt my strongest forte. Im not afraid of anything. Im afraid of everything and I dont want to be alone on my birthday. 2 more months. Counting the days. Celeb it with me? I prefer cheese cake (:

Note to self:
People changed. Promises are broken.
chapter 222 : And im not doing too well.

Oh hello, people (:

For your info, im selected to go into the finals. Wee. Clap clap clap. Remember the audi event? The final is on next saturday, 3rd April. Just now, I went to Audi website but still they havent update the latest yet. Woahh. Hand shaking sia. Hahaha. Wish me luck, people (:

So, hows work? Well, so far so good. Heee. Everyone seems to be nice and everything was great. For lunch, I went lunch with Shasha. Oh, I havent take any photo with her yet. Nevermind. This coming Monday, I will take some. Hehe. Last Tuesday, I finished work around 7.30pm. Agak lambat aite? Yeh cause we had meeting and that was my first time to join them.

So, hows life? Uhm, I dont know how to say this. Haha. Uhm. Im not okay. Really. I smiled but I think its fake kot? Haha. Tahla. I think im getting used to be alone. Right now, I got so many plan to do and I hope I will stick to the plan la kan? Haha. I just miss my girlfriends. Wida called me a few days ago. Gahh, I miss you, woman! Leya, and Naemah too. I miss to hangout with three of you. Im looking foward to going out with them A.S.A.P. Hahaha.

To you :
Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy but at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either, there isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand.



chapter 221 : I'll be back.
Dear readers and my beloved followers,

Im sorry I didnt update this blog kinda long. Im so fcukin TIRED and I really have no time to update my blog. Sigh. I really have lots to update but I really have no time peeps. Im super duper tired. This week really make me .... Hais.

Lots of people give me feedback. They want me to update blablabla. Hahaha. Yeah. I will. Dont worry. I will starting update by tomorrow. Cause tomorrow is Friday! Yeah, baby! I can sleep late! Hahaha. So, I'll see ya guys tomorrow then?

11.58pm.
Im off to bed (:
chapter 220 : Acknowledgement
Still remembered my previous post? Chapter 217? Haha. Right now, I would like to say BIG thanks to lil cause he helped me to fix it.



chapter 219 : I feel sooo good.
Woots! Its Thursday, baby! Tick tock tick tock dah ari khamis kan? Cepat cepat. Bagus (Y). Went lunch with Shasha. Planning nak keluar awal around 12.50pm but im super duper busy today. Like shiitt. Keje makin lama makin bertambah.

Plus, its Thursday kot? Kena wat keje untuk 3 deadline. Lame! Aku rasa, aku budak baru and meja aku la yang paling semak? Why? Cause alot of papers! Gahhh! HAHA.

A few days ago kot? I still remembered what Shereen said to Manaf. I was on the phone with my client and Shereen said

Shereen : Manaf, mana itu Laila Johari punya?
Manaf : Oh, benda tu dekat Farah.
Me : Huh? What thing? Hold on (sambil tercari-cari space order yang dah lama tertangguh tu)
Shereen : Walao. Meja dia banyaknya paper wor. Budak baru sudah busy mcm ini meh?

Heh. Farah. Rajin kan? LOL!

Went lunch around 1.10pm. Had lunch at Kayu Manis Restaurant. Nex week, Shasha and I planning nak walk gi makan kat next building yang ada Secret Recipe. Haha. Esok Jumaat. Nak pakai baju apa ye? Hahaha. Baju kurung again? -____-

Sister : Ek elen ayeen. Jumaat je pakai baju kurung. Hari Jumaat baru lah ko nak alim.
Me : LOL! Diam la. Ske hati aku la. Hahaha.

While makan, Shasha asked me, what is my plan on this weekend. Then I replied, "Uhm. Rasanya takda pape plan kot? Oh yeah! Main layang-layang kat Manjalara dis saturday".
And just now I had conversation with Tyra. I told her the quarter final round is on this saturday, 20 march. Then she said "BUKAN NAK KELUAR KE?". Woo woo. Siap caps aku lagi. Hahaha.

Sumpah wey. Aku x ingat langsung. LOLOL!

Ive been waiting for a few days dah and audi memang slow dalam bab meng-update benda mcmni. Sigh. So the quarter final online friendship nye result dah keluar. Here it is. Jys v6 (:
Well, I hope I can get into Semi final round. Wish me luck, guys. Heeee :P
chapter 218 : Laugh like there's no tomorrow.
Today, I had fun with my mates. Office mates. Really. I cant stop laughing kot? Hahaha.

Kak Zan : Eh, dia stuck pulak dah. Camne nak buat ni? Dik, tolong akak jap.

Im trying my best to fixing the bloody printer. 1stly, I removed the tempat ink tu. Idk la what they call benda ngek tu. LOL. So I pull out the a4 paper and yeh. Good job Farah. Now aku dah x reti nak masukkan balik tempat ink tu. Nice one (Y).

Me : Alamak. Farah tatau la camne nak masukkan balik. Keluarkan reti plak. Nak masuk balik x reti. Hahaha.
Me : Kak Shida, tolong jap. Camne nak masukkan ni?

Kak Shida datang ngn perut memboyot dia tu. Pregnant anak kedua (:

Kak Shida : Eh, nape x boleh masuk ni? Cam tersekat-sekat je. Nak masuk x reti la. Keluarkan akak tau la.
Kak Zan : Ha, tu la. Nak keluarkan senang je. Masuk tu payah sikit.
Me : Kak Jess, how ni? Benda ni x boleh nak masuk. Tolong jap.

Tadi Kak Jess on the phone. Dats y I ask Kak Shida for help. Cam tadi pun, Kak Jess yang betulkan. Meaning ni kali kedua printer ni buat hal.

Kak Jess : Oh, nak masukkan x reti. Keluarkan reti plak.
Kak Shida : Yela, nak keluarkan senang je. Masuk tu payah sikit.
Kak Jess : Saya reti masukkan tapi x penah rasa la. HAHAHA.
Me : Huh? o.o Ohh! HAHAHA.
Kak Jess : Macam Shida, dia penah rasa. HAHA.
Kak Shida and Kak Zan : HAHAHAHA.
Kak Jess : Korang jangan la push-push. Rosak pulak nanti. Dia kena slow-slow. Nak masukkan senang je. Awak penah main masuk keluar, masuk keluar x kan x tau kot?
Me : WTF? HAHAHA
Kak Zan : Dia masuk keluar benda lain. HAHAHA
Kak Shida : Eeii. Mane ada la. Hahaha.

1 hour later.

Kak Jess : Siapa ada charger Nokia?
Kak Shida : Saya x bawak charger hari ni.
Me : Akak nak yang kecik ke yang besar?
Kak Jess : Saya mesti lah nak yang besar. Kecik-kecik longgar sangat.
Kak Shida : Ish (Sambil buat muka)
Kak Jess : (Sambil pandang Kak Shida) You kan. Otak kuning la. Pikir lain je. Saya kan mintak charger. Haha.
Me : HAHAHA. Saya ada yang kecik la kak. Besar sangat kang x larat plak. Hahaha :D
Kak Jess and Kak Shida : HAHAHA.

I hope tomorrow will be a better one than today (:
chapter 217 : I hate me.

Gahhh. Sumpah aku bengang gila babi hari ni. Fcuk la. Tu jela word yg mampu aku ckp skrg ni. Damn. Cam sial gila. I mean the situation like very sial. Sial. Sial. Lepas ni apa? Satu-satu ko rosakkan barang aku. Pasni apa lagi? Sampai pc ni dah x boleh nak bukak dah? Sampai dah blank baru ko nak duk diam. Middle finger!

Hari tu, hp aku ko tuka lock code. Headphne aku, mmg dah jahanam la ko rosakkan. Nape ko x rosakkan je pc ni terus? Senang aku campak je kat ko! Bia mampos kat situ! Yeh. Aku bengang! Aku bengang teramat sangat! I cant control anymore.

Once more ko touch pc aku, kena ko ngan aku nanti. Sedarlah sikit, nak on pc pun x reti, ada hati nak guna pc aku. Dah tau x reti duduk diam-diam jela. Tengok je pe aku buat! Ni x, tangan gatal nak sentuh-sentuh. Bila aku tanya sapa buat. Sume xnak ngaku. Macam jahanam je perangai! Aku cakap sekali ko xnak dgr. Bila aku dah menjerit baru nak dengar cakap! Bila aku cakap ko bodoh, ko marah!

Itu one thing. Another thing is when I need help. Takde sapa nak tolong. Lagi cam sialan! Bila ko nak aku tolong, aku tolong. When it comes to my turn, bagi mcm-mcm reason. Middle finger. I learn my lesson. Bila aku susah, sume lari. Fcuk gila!

Sigh.

Im really sorry. I dunno. I juz. Gosh. I really out of control la. Puas saba agaknya. Tapi x meletup in real pn. Meletup dalam blog ni je. I cried. I geram sangat till I cried. I tried call them but they never pick up the phone. All I want is somebody who can cool me down. After bathe, I try to relax and I ask one of my friend. When I told bout it, suddenly replied me "im sorry. I gtg". Walao. At first I go like WTF? Then, I feel like. Gosh. Even my own boyfriend never pick up my call?

Lagi WTF kan?

A few minutes later, I got text frm my friend.

"I really feel bad for ditching you. Just take a deep breathe and relax alright? I'll talk to you someday. Goodnight"

I feel better sikit I guess? Come on la! When you marah, mesti you nak someone cool you down kan? Then Ariff show up. I told him about it. As a boyfriend, he did his duty. He try to cool me down but sometimes klua jugak soalan ngek dia tu. Lagi la aku berasap kan? Tapi he did give me some idea hw to solve it walaupun x menjadi -___-

Still, the problem x solve lagi.

Whatever la. Im okay skit kot? But I just scared later I get emo again. Haiz =(
chapter 216 : Don't let me go.
I wish I were with someone who could bring peace to my heart—someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day.

I am so fucking down right now. Sigh. It kinda spoil my mood. Or maybe my day? Just now im editing my photos with him but then when I saw "something". I just. Gahhh. I just closed the picture and here I am. Blogging.

I played the song like a 50 times. Danity Kane - Stay with me. Thanks to lil cause he remind me of this song. Its quite long kot I didnt hear this song. So, I just played it over and over again. The lyrics is very nice (Y).
That is how I feel right now. I really have no idea what im doing with my life. Im so lifeless, people. Yes, I am! I feel so empty. Can you fill the emptiness inside of me?

You know what?
You really should not say I love you unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget. So, say I love you to me a thousand times per day! Can you do it for me? Im sure you cant!

Tahla. I just want your attention. Tu je. Why so hard? :(
chapter 215 : I do not want to think about you
Aww. This really made me smile (:
Him: So, what will you be doing for the rest of your life?
Her: I don't know.
Him [getting down on one knee]: Wanna spend it with me?
As I said, should be hari ni main layang-layang dengan sis kan? Tapi x jadi cause hujan. Ek elen. Hujan setakat kul 4.30pm till 5.30pm x kan tu pun x jadi? YES! Memang x jadi. DIU! LOL! Bengang gila okay?

Me : Atul, jom la main layang-layang. Dah x ujan la. Jom la.
Sister : Ala, Atul nak tengok raja lawak ni. X tengok lagi final nye.
Me : WTF? Kan dah plan nak main layang-layang!
Sister : Ala, kita main next week la. Kita gi Saturday. Saturday x hujan
Me : (Dalam hati, mcm ko tau je sabtu tu x ujan? -__- ) Eeeee. Benci laaaa!
Sister : Lagipun dah kul 6. Nanti dapat main sekejap je. We go next week la.
Me : DIU! Benci gila kat ko!!

So yeh. X jadi :(

Went to Hartamas with sister and had dinner kat sana. Sambil makan, she tokin bout her boyfriend. Damn, I hate her boyfriend, seriously. I dunno. Maybe cause of his attitude I think? That kind of guy, woo. Sooo not my type. LOL.

Sister : Ko rasa ada x perempuan lain buat cam mana yang aku buat kat dia?
Me : Ada. Perempuan bodoh cam ko je yang buat mcm ko buat skrg ni =_____=
Sister : Apa plak bodoh? Betul la. Tapi dia x pernah nak hargai. Xda rasa nak appriciate aku.
Me : Well, aku pun pernah jadi bodoh cam ko gak dulu. But wait. Now pun aku rasa aku bodoh jugak :(
Sister : Dia x pernah pun nak fikir pasal aku.
Me : Uhm. Yeah. Dia pun x pernah fikir pasal aku. Uhm. Ada ke dia fikir? Or xda? :(
Sister : Dia kata aku ungkit-ungkit. Aku bukan ungkit tapi aku nak dia sedar.
Me : Hmm. Lelaki ni susah la. Dorang x paham apa hint yang kita bagi. Lembab kan. Dorang memang cmtu. Kita maksudkan lain, dia ingat benda lain.
Sister : Tahla. Then what should I do?
Me : Ko buat bodoh je. Move on la. Asyik ko je terhegeh kat dia. Nnt pandai-pandai dia la cari ko.
Sister : Kalau dia x cari?
Me : Trust me. He will. Cause I face it before (:

Its been 2 days. No wait. Its been 1 week. My sis and I had boys conversation. Currently she having a problem with her boyfriend. So do I. Kot? LOL. Haiz. Tahla. Boys are lame. Oppsy. Hahaha.
chapter 214 : Everyone is always “fine" ..


.. Myself included.

Whenever someone asked me how I’m doing, without even thinking, I reply “I’m fine”.

But I am not.

I am lonely. I am hurt. I am bruised. I am heart broken. I am shattered. I am depressed. I am alone. I am wondering why there is so much pain in the world. I am wondering what it takes to be enough. I am wondering what it takes to be beautiful. I am wondering if I’ll ever be able to live the life that I am destined to live.

Haiz :(
chapter 213 : Nothing much.
sister : A'yeen ~
me : pe? -___-
sister : A'yeen ~ A'yeen
me : peee? =="
sister : A'yeen ~ hihihi.
me : wtf? =___=

We went to Desa Park City. Hohoho. I never been there before. Hahaha. That is so gay? LOL. So yeh. The taman very nice la. So nice and I saw lots of shuai ge. Hahaha. Lots of dogs too =x Yela, dorg bawak their own pet jalan-jalan kan? Heee.

Tomorrow, we going to Manjalara pulak and nak main layang-layang. Yay yay! Triple YAY! Excited nyaaa. Hahaha. Kinda miss Tyra cause she away to PD but heh. Bukannya lama pun. Esok she balik la but still, I miss you, bitch :(

Oh btw, I went to Audi event this evening and yeh I advanced to quarter final on next saturday. Heee.
I really have no idea what to write dah. Thats all for now x.x
chapter 212 : Screw Audi !
AuditionSEA will held an event on 13 March! Okay, should be on the 13 March. But then tadi when I open the website, tetiba kua list ni la kan. So okay la. I tengok-tengok ada my name. Okay good. Then, when I read back, why suddenly 06 March? LIKE WTF? Sial la. Bukan ke dia mention 13 March? Buktinya . .
The thing iswhy qualifying dia on the 06 March? If 06 March, dah lepas la kan? WTF IS THIS? Stupid audi! Bodoh. Aku bengang la ni kan! If dorang dah buat on the 06, rasa cam waste gila la aku tunggu event ni kan? Cam bodo la. Excited kot nak join event ni?

Plus, Tyra got same room with me. If you click larger image, u will see Tyra's IGN just bawah my IGN. U know, I dah plan dah my time nak bangun kul bpe then nak klua nak lepak kul bpe sume just fr this event okay? I dah plan everything! N now what? Screw audi la. ZZZZZZZZZ.

Lepas tu mode dia dah la senang. 8k. Lagu plak senang nak mati! Gosh. Rugi gila kot if da lepas? Cause I know that I can win. Wahh. Riak plak. Tapi if same room ngn Tyra, memang kena fight la kan. Hahaha. I still remembered when I went to an event then I got same room with Tyra. Woo. Happy la jugak tapi rasa cam cuak ah cause takut kalah ngn minah ni je. Hahaha.

But in the end, dua-dua qualified untuk next round. F- owning the room kot time tu? LOL! Ok back to the story, memula tu before I x prasan the date tu, I said to Tyra yang I dapat same room dengan dia. Then she said, macam la dia leh g kan cause she gonna go to PD tomorrow. Sadly, im not gonna join them. Idk. Ask dad. His reason - busy. Diu! zzz.

If Tyra ada, baru nak F- fam own the room kan? LOL! Tapi. Iskk. I dont know la. See how la esok. Ada ke x. Sigh.
chapter 211 : Same old story, not much to say.
Hello, peeps!
Farah is back. Hell yeah! (:

Seriously, my connection is acting like a bitch! Sorry if I agak lambat reply all your blogwalking ke, comment ke or whatever shiit la kan. LOL. Uhm. Im doing good people. Yes, I am! Glad to hear that? LOL. Im doing good. Like really damn fcuking good. Hah! Get me? LOL.

Im really sorry sorry and sorry to all my followers cause I didnt update my blog like 1 week already kan? Last post was on 1st march. LOL! So, Farah is back. And guess what? My nuffnang account changed to an "Ordinary Account" LOL! Thats sound soo nice. Right guys? Hahaha. So, I need your help! Help me! Yeh! Help me to get back my gliteratti title! I need that cause I wanna earn more moneyy! Yes baby! More money! LOL.

Oh for your information, im working at the Menara Star. Its been 2 week I dekat sana dah. And so far so good. I like the job and the people too! Well, baru-baru keje mesti la semua tnjuk baik kan? Lol. Ive no mood to story panjang-panjang. Nanti la dekat next chapter, alright? Btw, im not in a good mood. Mood swings. Idk why? Period is coming maybe? LOL. Oh wait. I dun think so. Lambat lagi kot. Oh crap. Why we tokin bout this? Heh -__-

I will try my best to blogging again and try to update more. Heee. Like the old times. Uhm. I miss the old times. Rindunyaaaaaaaaaaaaa. HAHAHA. Oh oh, on this Saturday, im planning to go to the Matta Fair 2010. Planning to go there with my sistah. And tomorrow also she gonna join me lunch. Weee. Shes coming to Star! I will try to take some photos. So, just wait for the next update. Heee.

Thats all for now I guess. Ni jela yang I boleh summarize at the moment. Hahas. See ya.
chapter 210 : Sometimes, I still need you.
I need someone to prove to me that I’m worth it, really worth it to them. Maybe all I need is a person who can show me that everyone is not the same. Honestly, I thought you were that person but I was wrong.

Is it too much to ask for someone to take a risk on me, to fight for me, to actually care enough to not let something go; the way I did for you? You never even thanked me. I acted the way I did because I cared. I didn’t realize it then, but I do now.

I don’t do that for just anyone. so, call me crazy, but today.. today I realized that I can’t keep waiting for you. I’m moving on, I can’t stay in one place waiting. I can’t be around you anymore. I’m not over it, I don’t get over things fast, I never have, no matter how much I try and convince myself. I’ll see you around sometime.

I keep thinking maybe somehow, something will click and everything will go back to the way it was in the beginning. Maybe we could go back to that, but too much has been said and done. So, maybe you’ll get one more chance from me, maybe you won’t.

Think about it, young man :)
chapter 209 : absolutely nothing to you
Im trying to sleep but the voices in my head are too loud and im remembering all these things that I've done. So I turn to my side and face the wall and breathe slowly. Close my eyes, open them, close them once more.

I see his face now. You know the boy I told you about. Now I know I wont be able to sleep. I suppose this is why most people are insomniacs, the voices wont go away, the memories keep coming back, and people haunt them in the darkness of the night.

I turn the lights on, sit on the edge of my bed and cry. Just a little bit, just to make it easier to breathe. I turn the lights off and try to sleep again. Its going to be a long night.

I think the problem is that I’m stuck waiting for him to do something, to make a move, to say the perfect thing. And the problem is that I shouldn’t be that girl, the one who sits and waits for him. I should be independent.

I should think clearly and consistently without having my mind jump straight back to him. Yeah, falling for someone like that is the hardest thing to do. And the stupidest thing is that the thing standing in my way is fear of losing him, the fear of rejection, the fear that I might lose a friend that means everything to me.

I want to be everything to him, but I’m not. I’m not the kind of girl he needs, and I’ll never be that girl cause you know the answer :)
chapter 208 : I would love it
I would love it,

• if you tell me I love you right now.
• if you tell me I love you right now and mean it with all your heart.
• if you tell me that I’m beautiful every day.
• if you webcam me.
• if you randomly send me messages to cheer me up.
• if you sneak up from behind and kiss me on the cheek.
• if you stay up with me all night so that I wouldn’t have to rush out my report alone.
• if you randomly send me a text saying that you miss me.
• if you would watch horror movies with me and be scared with me.
• if you would hold my hand in front of your friends.
• if you will treat me as if I were your one and only.
• if you would spend time with me, just talking about anything and everything.
• if you would watch the sunrise and sunset with me.
• if you would accompany me when I run errands.
• if you would give me wake up calls.
• if you hug me from behind.
• if you let me sleep in your arms.
• if you allow me to drag you shopping.
• if you gave me a heart shaped balloon.
• if you treat the time we spend together as if it’s our last.
• if you tickle me until we both collapse with laughter.
• if you showed up at my house with a bouquet of roses.
• if you whisper into my ear.
• if you would play the guitar and serenade me.
• if you jumped on my back, and made me give you a piggy back ride.
• if you hug me and lift me off the ground.
• if you taught me how to do some of your favourite hobbies.
• if you slept in my arms.
• if you kissed my neck.
• if you kissed me on the cheek.
• if you kissed me tenderly on the lips.
• if you make a list of what you love me doing for you.
• if you make a list of what you love doing for me.
• if you stargazed with me.
• if you show me where your ticklish spot is.
• if you take me to your house to have a meal with your family.
• if you cook for me.
• if you listen to my favourite music with me.
• if you would take photobooth pictures with me.
• if you would act silly with me.
• if you got matching rings for us.
• if you made a shoutout to me on my favourite radio channel.
• if you stole me for a day just to take me out to have a good time.
• if you put on my makeup for me, just for fun.
• if you visited me at school and held me.
• if you could make me smile for no apparent reason.
• if you fell asleep on the phone with me and mumbled “I love you”.
• if you would grab my fat and yell “Hello, wobbly bits!”
• if you took care of me when I was sick.
• if you come over to my house in the middle of the night just to have a glimpse of me because you missed me.
• if you took me on an adventure.
• if you helped me pick out clothes.
• if you wrote love letters to me.
• if you cared for me with all your heart.
• if you loved my flaws.
• if you give me a reason everyday why you love me.
• if you give me the courage to keep moving forward, because you know I need a little push.
• if you lean in when I talk just because you want to be near me, and not because you didn’t hear me. Because we both know you did.
• if you could see that you’re the love of my life.
• if you knew how much I love you.
  

chapter 207 : Away from here.